I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
