my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize