Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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