I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
