My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
These tits shall not be calmed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
