Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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