my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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