just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize