i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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