Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
