hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize