I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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