I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
