I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
