I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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