My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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