the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
