Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
