i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my liver is dry heaving
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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