On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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