Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
