If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
