if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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