I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
