No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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