Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
