Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Randomize
