i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
