Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
