my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
