i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
