Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize