I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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