im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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