were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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