when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
