drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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