Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize