i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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