I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
