i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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