just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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