I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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