here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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