Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
