They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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