I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize