She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm really busy with my period
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