Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
