doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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