I'm so fucking centered right now
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
