guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
