You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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