i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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