I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
