Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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