sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
