i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
