im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
